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I have met my husband... - Kruszer's Journal
December 18th, 2008
01:28 am

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I have met my husband...
At least I think I have.  I'm scared that he'll get to know me a little better and realize I'm not so easy to live with and he'll just tire of my health obsession and all my issues and run for the coast while he still can. 

But I think we've got something here that I've never known before.  I'm scared.  The last time a relationship was going this well I panicked and told the guy I wasn't ready for that level of commitment - and after two years of having him as my boyfriend I dumped him cause I thought something wasn't right and I could do better.   Maybe it's me.  Maybe I don't know how to accept love.   Maybe I'm in love with an ideal that can't exist to the point that when I find the closest thing to that ideal I'm still searching for something to find fault with it.   I think I'm messed up.

As you likely recall from earlier posts, Aaron and I met at JPUSA in Chicago back in early October.   He was on overnight phones when I was coming in at my ridiculous hours during my dance exchange and no matter how tired I was, he always managed to keep me downstairs for conversation (and one morning he dragged me to a thrift shop) when I was well beyond my point of exhaustion.   I was immediately smitten, the very first time I met him.    His dred-locks and clothes spoke of someone who walked off the beaten path, his personality reflected a generous and kind soul and a friend I wanted to spend more time with.   So when he said at the end of my visit that he was not ready for a relationship right now but that "If God opens the door for more someday then praise Jesus"  I was thrilled at the prospect of having found a true kindred spirit.

We've been corresponding not only online but via old-fashioned letters.  Funny enough, he was squarely against joining Facebook and kept refusing even to the day I left.  He prefers pen & paper.   He had a letter in the mail for me barely a few days after I left JPUSA.   But even before the letter had arrived, he joined Facebook - he said he realized how hard it would be to stay in touch otherwise!    I was touched. 

We've also had several phone calls, the first on my birthday (November 3rd), another on November 18th (it was during that call that I got my first serious inclination that I could very well have found "the one") and a couple more after that (Nov 29, Dec 10), each call at least several hours.  A week ago we broke his longest phone record with a 3-hour call, and we broke MY previous record (8 hours) last night - with a NINE hour phone conversation during which we left barely a stone uncovered in terms of stuff couples need to discuss prior to a permanent relationship.

A couple weeks ago Aaron sent me a letter that said again that while he was not ready for a relationship just yet, he fully intends someday to "ask you for your hand - to be my lover"   He said that he didn't know how he could be so sure so soon but that he truly believed with all his heart that this was the right path for him to be on.  Our conversations have intensified since then and I've heard him gradually move to speaking like our future together was a matter of "when" and no longer an "if".

He'll be 22 this summer and I'm 30, though our ages don't seem to matter much if at all.  (We didn't even learn each other's ages until about a week in to our friendship).   He's been travelling since he was 18  (With YWAM among other things) and his experiences have matured him beyond his years.    He's not career-oriented and our combined lack for income capacity worries me, especially if we brought children into the picture, but he's done farm labour and manual labour of all sorts.  He's a hard worker and I know he'd find a way to work and to provide...

A few days ago he sent me a song.  I'm still blown away.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQhzbqKrZTc&feature=PlayList&p=1015A32E3C942D0B&playnext=1&index=57 (pardon the video, it's the only audio source of the song that I could find)


IF YOU COULD SEE WHAT I SEE by Geoff Moore

All of my life
I have dreamed
that somehow love would find me
Now I can't believe you're standing here

If beauty is all
in the eye
of the beholder then I
wish you could see
the love for you that lives in me

(Chorus)
And you would know you have my heart
if you could see what I see
That a treasure is what you are
if you could see what I see
Created to be
the only one for me
If you could see what I see

I know there are days
when you feel
so much less than ideal
wondering what i see in you

It's all of the light
and the grace
your belief in me drives me to say
that i promise you
a faithful love, forever true

(Chorus)

If you could see...
then you'd understand
why i fall down to my knees
and i pray my love
will be worthy of
the One who gave His life
so our love could be

If you could see
what i see(x2)

You're created to be
the perfect one for me
If you could see
what i see

If beauty is all
in the eye
of the beholder then i
am beholding...
true beauty


That's really intense, no?   He apologized afterward and said that maybe he should've waited before sending it - a sentiment I sort of share because I wonder if what he feels for me is premature and not based on a complete knowledge of me and how tiresome I can be to those around me.   He's young and I'm his first relationship and people tend to fall really hard and fast their first time, don't they?  

But he's no fool.  Ten minutes into our first excursion I had my nose down my coat and was running to escape the perfumes of a laundromat we passed.   He knows I have health issues and that I worry about some things few people even think about.   He's very health conscious himself, but not to the degree I am.  He laughingly told me that he thinks I'm nuts, but he likes me anyway.   I wish I could believe that he'll still feel that way a year from now.

Again, maybe it's just me.  I'm scared to be loved like that.  I've been hurt and burnt so much that I'm looking for the bottom to fall out like something just can't be right and it's too perfect to be happening to me.    Aaron is everything I've ever dreamed a love could be: he's kind and patient and open-minded and flexible, he's artistically inclined, a poet and great with words, he too loves to travel and meet new people, we see eye to eye on our dislike of the "American dream" and western ways, he favours natural medicine and wants to build a house out in nature and grow his own vegetables, he understands what it's like to be misunderstood by parents, he too questions the church system despite seeking after Jesus and God for Truth, and he has a heart for a life of ministry (though his call is to the Native Americans and I'm not sure how my own pro-life call would mesh into that.).  To top it all: because of my influence he's started learning to dance (not swing, but he's keen on joining me for a dance-camp in Sweden next summer, assuming we can afford to go)

Could I have found a better match??    This guy has only ever existed in my dreams, while people told me I'd never find a Christian-dancing-health-concious-alternative-thinker and that I should lower my criteria if I ever hoped to get married.  

So what am I scared of?   Why am I hesitating?   Why am I so afraid that I'll lose his heart or be unable to love him to the same degree?     I'd stopped expecting I'd ever find someone like him, and now that I have, am I normal to be feeling a little off, in light of such an incredible relationship?

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b276/kruszerpics/n774185533_4680837_6442.jpg

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Comments
 
From:lmeighmy
Date:December 18th, 2008 01:19 pm (UTC)
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I found out, when I first met Jeff, that it's when you stop looking, that is when God will bless you with someone.

He also tests us. Sometimes he'll send someone our way who seems perfect, but later we find out that's not the case at all.

I'm not saying this is the case here. I'm saying that the best way could be to just keep praying that if it's right, God will work it out and if it's not, God will close the door / end it.

If this is what God wants for you, He will put your mind at ease about it. Just lean on Him and trust Him to work it all out.
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From:kruszer
Date:December 19th, 2008 04:25 am (UTC)
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That's the thing... I really wasn't looking or expecting. In fact I'd noticed just a few weeks earlier that I'd stopped speaking in terms of "when I get married" and had started to say "IF I get married"
From:lmeighmy
Date:December 19th, 2008 03:30 pm (UTC)
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I hope he's the one for you! :-)
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From:midiario
Date:December 19th, 2008 12:20 am (UTC)
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Us Americans are just that way....we have a way of making Canadian's fall for us :)

I have been down this very similar path. My now husband however is the Canadian and I am the American. He is 32 I am 25. We too did the letter/email/phone thing, and I was the one who was not sure I was ready for a relationship. However, within 10 months of first talking we were married with only two quick trips of real contact inbetween. He came down in January for a week and I came to Canada over Easter. Before I left he proposed and in July we were married.

Best thing I ever did. People thought I was crazy, I thought I was crazy...but when its right you know. We knew we found eachother, and that does not mean that the long distance thing does not have its challenges. You can't know every quarky thing about someone when your thousands of miles apart, but that stuff never mattered because we love each other so much.

Pray pray pray...pray separately, pray together. There came a point when I thought he was going to bail even though I intentionally made him do all the persueing. I was heart broken but I was able to let go, and to actually believe I could trust God knew what he was doing. From that point forward our relationship was solid.

Bless ya
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From:kruszer
Date:December 19th, 2008 04:31 am (UTC)
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i think the distance actually helps. you're not distracted by physical stuff (not just sexual temptation but just the mundane everyday distractions around you - when you're 'together' all you can do is talk to each other, so you cover a lot more ground a lot faster than you might in person)

Well we're going to be traveling together so if anything will be able to make this for sure, that time together will clarify it all, I'm sure.
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From:midiario
Date:December 19th, 2008 05:06 am (UTC)
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Yeah that is true, but that was also the hardest thing for me to get used to once we were married. Not every conversation is exciting. Life is boring and there comes a point when you really have nothing to say. We never hit that point until after we were married where most people would have hit it before.

Where are you traveling to?
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From:springdove
Date:December 19th, 2008 05:32 am (UTC)
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i think the distance actually helps. you're not distracted by physical stuff
I was just talking to someone about this yesterday. It's something I like about the internet development...you spend more time getting to know the person for their thoughts and personality, and the physical attraction comes later. This is so important because you have to know you could enjoy the person's company even if you couldn't have a physical relationship.
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From:springdove
Date:December 19th, 2008 05:28 am (UTC)
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First of all, I want to say that I'm very excited and happy for you. I was hopeful for you when this first happened, and I'm super-excited that this friendship is continuing. This is one of the most fun times in a relationship. :)

Now, I have several things I want to address or share, so here goes. :)

Maybe I don't know how to accept love. Maybe I'm in love with an ideal that can't exist to the point that when I find the closest thing to that ideal I'm still searching for something to find fault with it. I think I'm messed up.
EVERYONE is messed up in some way or another. So yes...you're messed up, but so is everyone else, including Aaron, though you may not have had enough time to discover his yet. As for the rest of this quote, I think the "searcing for something to find fault with" is probably more due to the fear of being vulnerable in that way again due to past deep hurts. You will have to really search your thoughts and heart to see what the root of that is. And remember that there will be NO ONE who has no faults. As much as I love Mark, there are things about him that annoy me and things that make me think, "Am I sure I want to do this?" (and he's told me he feels the same about me). So...remember to come at it with that realistic perspective, and try to figure out the root of your fears so you'll know if they're legitimate concerns about the present relationship or past hurts trying to control your future.

The correspondence pattern reminds me a bit of a relationship I know firsthand... ;) Mark and I definitely talk for hours and hours on end, and we like to send old-fashioned "snail mail" letters, too. We used to comment on how they seem so much more intimate. (And on a practical level...they are good "proof of relationship" when getting into immigration stuffs. :P )

He said that he didn't know how he could be so sure so soon but that he truly believed with all his heart that this was the right path for him to be on. Our conversations have intensified since then and I've heard him gradually move to speaking like our future together was a matter of "when" and no longer an "if".
From my experience, it is true that "when you know, you know." Mark and I were pretty sure about one another before we even met in person. We were also pretty sure fairly soon into the relationship. So...I definitely think it's possible for you two to know this early in the relationship. However, I'd also be careful to be sure it's not just the romantic excitement that one feels when a new relationship is blossoming because the fact is that the excitement and newness will fade over time, and there has to be true love for one another that steps in at that point. (What I mean is that the lovey feelings need to be supported by the stronger love of choice...love when it's not easy and even when the feelings aren't there.) My only advice here would be the same as you've already gotten: keep praying about it, praying that you would both be seeking to follow God's will and that you would have true godly love for one another.

To be continued...
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From:springdove
Date:December 19th, 2008 05:29 am (UTC)

Part 2 of my ridiculously long response...

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As for your ages, I really don't see that as a big deal, honestly, if you're in similar life stages. I really think that life stages have more to do with compatibility age-wise than actual age. It sounds like he may have actually had some similar experiences to you and that he is rather mature for a younger adult. There were 12 years (she was 25, and he was 37 when they married) between my mom and dad, and they got along quite well.

Wow, that's a really sweet song. :) I like Geoff Moore.

He's young and I'm his first relationship and people tend to fall really hard and fast their first time, don't they?
Well...I think it's good to be cautious because this can definitely be true, ESPECIALLY if a person is very young and hasn't had a chance to figure out who they are and who they want to be. However, it's also true that there are some people who don't need to date very many people (or only the one) to be perfectly happy with the relationship for the rest of their life. Mark is one of these people. I am the only person he has seriously dated, and he has no desire to look further. He knows what it is he wants and has no qualms about marrying his first serious girlfriend. I, on the other hand, am someone who needed to have several relationships to figure out what it is I really wanted in a man. I would have always wondered if this person was REALLY right for me if I hadn't dated a few guys. It really depends on the person.

I would recommend being open and honest about your quirks with one another from the beginning. Be up front about all of your health issues and needs so you can rest assured that his decision to be with you was made with all the facts. I assume you'd want the same from him. :) Of course, like another commenter said, there are many things you wouldn't think to tell someone that can only be discovered through time. :)

He does sound like a really cool guy. (I actually know more than one person who feels the same way about some of the stuff you mentioned there, but I won't get into that in this post. :)

he has a heart for a life of ministry (though his call is to the Native Americans and I'm not sure how my own pro-life call would mesh into that.)
Just for kicks, I did a quick google search on "native american abortion" and "native american pro-life." Here are some of the sites that came up:
http://www.ndrl.org/stats.html
http://www.lifenews.com/nat2221.html
http://www.indianz.com/News/2008/009208.asp
http://www.lifesitenews.com/ldn/2008/jun/08060903.html
It looks to me like there are plenty of opportunities in that group for pro-life activity. :) Actually, it was our mutual friend hymnia who brought it to my attention that minority groups in the US actually are MORE likely to have abortions than other groups. And if you are living in ministry with a minority group, you will have more credibility among them, and I would think especially so with your doula training. Just some thoughts to chew on in that vein. :)

More to be continued...
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From:springdove
Date:December 19th, 2008 05:30 am (UTC)

And part 3 of ridiculously long response...

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So what am I scared of? Why am I hesitating? Why am I so afraid that I'll lose his heart or be unable to love him to the same degree? I'd stopped expecting I'd ever find someone like him, and now that I have, am I normal to be feeling a little off, in light of such an incredible relationship?
I think you're scared because you HAVE been hurt before and because vulnerability is VERY scary. There could also be some hesitation because he hasn't given you any specific timeline regarding his feelings. It's wonderful to hear that he intends to ask for your hand, but when is "someday"? It sounds to me like he's giving slightly mixed signals in that he is telling you one thing (e.g. "I'm not ready for a relationship right now"), and he is acting another way (e.g. as if you're entering a relationship right now). I know you don't want to push him, and this getting to know one another period is very important. However, if you feel at all like you're getting mixed signals and that they are making you feel unsure, I don't think it's wrong of you to ask him for clarification ("What's going on here?"). You deserve to know if there's real muscle behind his statements of "someday" or if they are just romantic, flowery words borne out of strong feelings. I think you're right to be cautious, but if you have prayed about it and really feel that God has brought you into each other's lives, don't doubt it. Most of the concerns you have mentioned will not matter much in the long term if God is the center of your relationship. :)

Okay...now that I've written a tome, I will say again that I am REALLY excited for you and can't wait to hear how this friendship continues to develop. You deserve to be happy.
*hugs*
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From:carynrobin
Date:December 20th, 2008 03:28 am (UTC)
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that's very cool! congrats! i pray it all works out!!! :-D
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From:tibbycat
Date:December 21st, 2008 12:34 pm (UTC)
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This is great news! :D

Told you that you can never predict the future. You just don't know what's around the corner ;)

:)
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From:filthy_lily
Date:March 8th, 2009 12:59 am (UTC)
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You haven't updated in a while ... how are you?
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From:kruszer
Date:March 14th, 2009 03:46 am (UTC)
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I'm doing pretty good... sorry, I tend to do most of my updating on Facebook these days - one liners take less time. ;)
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From:kruszer
Date:March 14th, 2009 05:34 pm (UTC)
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There, as requested I have now updated.
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