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God Thoughts part 2 - Kruszer's Journal
June 2nd, 2010
02:17 am

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God Thoughts part 2

Wasn't it just a week ago that I wrote that last entry in the midst of brokenness and confusion, seeking God in the midst of all the pains and sufferings of my life, crying out with these questions....

"God why are you hurting me so much??  Do you love me at all?   Why have you taken everything I could ever want and made it impossible to acquire?   Why do you allow so much pain and disease into my life despite everything I've already suffered throughout my lifetime?  Why do you parade in front of me the married girls with homes and husbands who'll take care of them in sickness and in health though all they know right now is health, and kids who call them Mommy... And in full view of them you continue to send more pain and hurt my way?   God why won't you help me?   Why do you leave me to swim in the mud for 13 years only to let 'the devil' throw more stones at me while I'm down?  

God if you exist, do you hate me?   Did you hate me when I was a little girl and everything started?   Do you want me crying and miserable forever?   My friends mock you and tell me to reject you and to live my life seeking after me and what I might gain.  To stop waiting for the husband you keep denying me despite my living life 'your way' and to just go ahead and enjoy sex and babies and whatever else I can before my health caves in all the way.     God, If you are real and you are good, please show me a little mercy, just a little miracle that says I'm not wasting my breath and you're taking care of me."


And God answered. 

Through a series of perfectly orchestrated circumstances I happen to be visiting a friend I met in a random path-crossing back in Berkeley two months ago.   And he just happens to have just bought himself a house this month when he thought his roommates were all moving out (turned out they didn't and he needn't even have moved after all).   So happens he had just TWO days in the course of this busy month throughout which he was otherwise away on business trips.   And those two days just happened to be the two that his dad could come and help with house fix-ups.   

Did they fix the faulty plumbing?   Did they pull out the crappy carpets?   Did they unpack the boxes that are still strewn about everywhere?  No, they did the most logical thing to do when you move into a house:   They tore up the asbestos "popcorn ceilings" in do-it-yourself fashion, not even bothering to eliminate their work clothes, cover up their shoes, eliminate the drop-sheet or any of the appropriate measures of asbestos removal.   With windows subsequently open, cancerous microscopic fibers have been blowing throughout the household dust and landing on all porous substances including beddings, sofas, carpeting etc.

And unknowingly enters a girl who already has breathing difficulties, who is already sickly and already hurting.    Because God could think of no better way to prove his love and care for her than to inflict her with a rare and deadly toxin to coat her fragile lungs when she is trying so hard through eating and living healthy to just survive as best as she can. 

I set out on this journey trying to find out whether God is there and whether that God is good and whether God loves and cares for me.   Someone at the Joyce Meyer prayed with me and gave God a 30 day ultimatum to show himself unmistakably in my life.   During that thirty days I suffered a pesticide exposure and besides that God was silent.    So I went on to San Francisco where in a 6 week period I suffered three concussions.    And now this. 

Like I've said before, there's some good intellectual reasons that can logically explain God, even a God who allows suffering,  if you want to believe in Him.   But come on: really?   God you know I'm having a REALLY REALLY rough season of loss right now with my fiance having bailed and my health being at an all-time low.    And you know I'm really really having a hard time believing in you and your goodness and care for me, so is this REALLY the right time to send me a trial of such a grand and irreversible magnitude as this???    God I spit on your love if that's your idea of love.

I don't think I want to believe in that God anymore.   I wish I could.   I want the God I can trust and follow and give my life to so that everything has purpose and meaning and divine direction.    I want the God who loves me and who wants my best.   I want to be a good Bible-following wife who submits to a husband who in turn loves her like Christ loves his bride and lays down his life for her.    I want a God-following Christian family with kids singing Veggie Tales and Jungle Jam songs in the car and doing family devotions as we worship God together the way I'd always dreamed a family should be.  

But I don't think I can believe.   If God exists He has hurt me and failed me and let me down when I was at my lowest and he has allowed far too much to land on me when all I was doing was seeking him and walking the way I thought I should.   Asbestos?   I can't take that one more straw.   Not on top of my breathing difficulties from my MCS on top of my easy concussions on top of my removable teeth and future dental treatment still to come, and all on top of him making me suffer alone by taking away my beloved.  
I HATE that God!!!    I just needed to be loved and taken care of and he makes me get SICKER!!!   

There are five men in my life right now (including Andrew my now married ex - those on my LJ friends list will recall that whirlwind romance vividly and how I turned him down because he was not a believer.... and now he's emailing me again, still desires to be with me) who have promised to take care of me and give me the baby I've always wanted, if I can only reject this silly notion of God - who evidently cares a lot less for me than my friends do.

God hates me and will smite me with pain and misery no matter what I do, so why not do it?   I'll sleep around, have an out-of-wedlock baby - heck why not go all out and commit adultery while I'm at it?   God will make (or "allow") my life to be worse anyway as he always does - maybe I'll step on an HIV infected needle next week, and be in a debilitating car accident the week after.    He'll think of something.
 

"God, If you are real and you are good, please show me a little mercy, just a little miracle that says I'm not wasting my breath and you're taking care of me."   IF God answered, his "I hate you" and his "Ha ha ha!"  came through loud and clear this week!! 

  

If you're a believer I defy you to give me an answer for all this bullshit.   You don't have one, no less than you can explain the inequity in human suffering globally.     Oh but it's nice to know people are praying for me.   Go  back and ask that abusive monster in the sky, that Being you're still able to trust in cause he doesn't appear to have pissed on you as much as he has others of us who reap in the hoards of the shit, go talk to him again and ask him to help me, like people have been doing all of my life....   Then stand back and see his handiwork of destruction.   Look on with the mockers who muse at how "God is good all the time" - to other people.   And tell me why I shouldn't listen to them when they tell me to give this God the finger and live for me for once in my life.   Tell me why after all the tears and pleas I should still trust and seek out the big guy with a colony of confused ants who is just as guilty of our pain, even if he is not directly inflicting it... The louder I cry and squirm in pain the longer he stands by idly, "allowing" his asshole cousin the devil to scald me with his magnifying glass up to the sun again and again and again - and here's one more for the road while you're visiting Despair and Doubt.

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From:crookedfingers
Date:June 4th, 2010 12:05 pm (UTC)

despair and doubt

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I have been thinking about what you wrote concerning your spiritual troubles. I do not know you so it is impossible really to give you any spiritual advice. But I do know Christians do go through a spiritual stage called by some as "the dark night" or the stage of purgation. We meaning Christians all have to come to a place where we live by faith even when we are hanging on a cross. We have to believe in God's love even when we feel totally forsaken. We need to pray for mercy when we go through the fires of purgation. In the end we know as Christians life is only to be found in loving and serving the Lord Jesus. The Lord hears the cries of His blood bought children. Cry continually for mercy at the throne of grace-I can only tell you life is short-our sufferings will seem nothing in the end when we see the Lord Jesus in the new world-my prayers are with you in your struggle-your dark night-peace
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From:kruszer
Date:June 17th, 2010 07:46 pm (UTC)

Re: despair and doubt

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i just feel like my ENTIRE life has been a "Stage of purgation" I grew up in a hostile home environment and the pain doesn't relent. And the illnesses get worse and God stays silent.

Nothing makes sense if God is supposed to be good and loves me.
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From:velvetelvis
Date:June 6th, 2010 10:12 am (UTC)

God

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Hey kiddo,

I was writing in my own journal of the same despair and doubt, except I suppose I never doubt God, but I have the worlds reasons to doubt myself. Almost angry at God for blessing me as he does.

I'm sorry I haven't kept with your journal more. I've forgotten what heart you have in your writing.

I tend to agree with crookedfingers, however. Why stand such great mountains before us, such volatile and deep oceans? I think it's hard for us to imagine how far the love of God really goes, until we've been swallowed by a whale, and after three days of feeling hopeless, we find that faith still works. Jonah's prayer at that low point is even remembered by the Holy Spirit in scripture.

I had a discussion with my friend's dad, who led worship at his church for many years, about evangelism, and eventually we got to the thief on the cross. "How did that work?" I raised my voice at him, "How did he get it?!" He'd certainly reached a low-point being hung on the cross, I expect. But even there, with all the world against him, God was literally hanging there with him. My friend's dad replied, "Maybe in the end, you just have to meet Jesus."

And you long for a child of your own --what an example. We men scratch our heads every time we see it, 30 hours of labor, all manner of profane vocabulary offered up for doctors, nurses, husband, blood, sweat, tears, medication, ridiculous amounts of breathing, til unbelievably, they put that baby in mom's arms, and she smiles like the world is new... And women do this more than once. Crazy.

I think, if we are near the end times, God will need someone who has been there, hurt and knocked down by life. Perhaps your own children will need a mother who has walked with God through despair and doubt, someone people will meet and know, in a small way, who Jesus is.
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From:kruszer
Date:June 17th, 2010 07:50 pm (UTC)

Re: God

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"Perhaps your own children will need a mother who has walked with God through despair and doubt, someone people will meet and know, in a small way, who Jesus is."

Except that's not the case, my faith is breaking. I've had 31 years of non-stop crisis and pain and Jesus hasn't shown up. I'm supposed to just trust this invisible friend even more when I even less reason than ever to believe he's there?
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From:velvetelvis
Date:June 21st, 2010 09:08 am (UTC)

Re: God

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Hmmm...

It seems to me that more often it is the difficulties overcome through God's grace, than his ordinary blessings which inform us --how great our God really is. The gospels record many miracles, God is so big that he even raised the dead. Raising the dead-- that's just really big. You see that happen, and all the Satanic facades fall away. All that is left is a simple choice over whom to follow.

You talked about your faith at it's breaking point. I think that's part of why God allows us such terrible trials. Faith is so important, and perhaps God would have us know that when all seems lost, when our difficulties seem insurmountable, enemies, disease, hunger, sin, and death, that he is yet much, much bigger. Not so much the knowledge, but more the experience of God seems transformational, and critical to faith.

In short (too late) if you ask to experience God, I expect you may easily discern which is Satan's reply --his will be the casual one. Be therefore encouraged, if Satan is attacking your faith, it is no small issue to our Father.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:July 16th, 2010 10:10 am (UTC)

What if...

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Dear Kristina,

Sorry for just replying to your blog without knowing you. I just stumbled upon it and your story touched me. As a christian we all struggle with the question why bad things happen to good people, and the various biblical answers are so emotionally unsatisfying.

However, what is the benefit of giving up your faith? If you no longer believe in higher powers, how will that make earthly suffering different? If not God, who else could you blame? Even if faith does not give an answer to your questions or prevent you from suffering, doesn't it give you other benefits like a life's purpose and peace of mind? Personally i find that enough reasons to have faith.

I realize this may not be the answer you're hoping for (it's just putting a different perspective), but maybe it helps.

Good luck and all the best, Martin
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From:kruszer
Date:July 16th, 2010 08:41 pm (UTC)

Re: What if...

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I only want to believe something if it's the truth. I don't need a placebo deity to blame, to comfort me, to make everything make sense if it really doesn't. If God doesn't exist, I can deal with it. I can accept that shit happens because shit happens.

It's the truth that I'm after, one way or another.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:July 18th, 2010 02:34 pm (UTC)

Re: What if...

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Kristine,
Thanks for your answer. Do you really think you will ever find the truth? Religion might not provide the strongest answer, or at least requires a strong belief. But so do non-theistic rational explanations: the deeper you dive into science, the more flaws and gaps you can find. Honestly, since we can't know the truth, isn't it just a matter of choice? Now you're just in a place of doubt, like many, but hopefully you'll get out of there. Please let us know what you will decide or what happens, as you've seen there are many people caring about you.
Best, Martin
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From:filthy_lily
Date:August 18th, 2010 05:03 pm (UTC)
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I think coming to terms with that fact that god doesn't exits (or at the very least doesn't exist as you have come to understand him) has to be really hard for someone who's invested so much in that belief. But yeah, there's no god. Just events that happen and that we interpret.

Have faith in YOU and invest time and energy in YOU. It's usually when you stop looking that things become clearer as time moves on. Stop stressing god.
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From:velvetelvis
Date:August 25th, 2010 07:55 pm (UTC)

Faith

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I hate to be so terribly contrary here, and so negative, especially considering the original post, and Kristine's broken heart.

But I gotta say, if there's no God, if faith in myself is the highest point to which I may aspire, if this world is the only place that I can call home, if I believe in your words, lily, then I'm outta here. I mean I would have committed suicide long ago. I agree with Plath, I agree with what is written in Ecclesiastes whether God or Solomon or a beggar was its author. People are corrupt --including myself. I dare say, the very concepts of faith, hope, and love are absolutely lost without God. In what may we hope? What makes love any better than hate? What good is a faith which is guaranteed to fail?

We have this animal instinct to live, but without it, what would the suicide rate be among humans? And with this instinct, how many of us owe our lives to anything more than being an animal? Look at the cattle, and the sheep, they can be found alive --and yet I see neither faith, nor hope, nor love in their lives. Why do those three words mean so much to us? Why do you look for faith at all? A faith in yourself, is the most fragile thing a body may have in this world. Try and start an AA meeting with step one as: have faith in yourself. If I am the only hope, then there is no hope. If love is ephemeral, then there is no love. Animals are not concerned with spiritual things, why are we? Why do we think we are spirits and souls? And if we are spirits and souls, for whom faith, hope, and love are actually important, then what? Where do you go to look for them? There are other words too: peace --with others, peace with myself. Where do I go to find that?

And I don't feel like my expectations are too high, I feel like I am just trying to find a reason to live. I am thirsty for something better than what I am, and without it, I feel like I am already dead. I'm not the only one asking these questions. I mean I didn't get these from school or on a web-site. This is just who we are. And if my hope in God is false, it is just as false as a hope in anything else, so it doesn't matter. If hope in God is false, then truth is despair. Kristine said that if God doesn't exist, she can deal with it. Uhm... I don't think I can (deal with it). It's God or nothing.

Peter said, "Lord to whom shall we go?" -John 6:68. I've certainly looked around, and I can't find anyplace better.

--apologies again, I have been a suicidal person all my life, feeling like a fish out of water in this world. I have stuck around in case God has something for me to do while I'm here. With a nod to Kristine, I have felt, between God or nothing, that I am often far from God, perhaps closer to nothing. And I am never more alone, and hopeless than I am in those moments --how I share your sadness, dear Kristine.
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